Attention all soon-to-be dads! This is Charlie Delacroix — the man who went from negotiating million-dollar deals to debating the merits of different diaper brands.
Welcome to my Ted Talk on surviving impending fatherhood with your sanity (mostly) intact.
The Dos:
- DO educate yourself — I've read every parenting book on the market. Knowledge is definitely power, even if it sometimes leads to 3 AM panic attacks about the proper swaddling technique. Just ask Emma how she feels about my newfound expertise.
- DO stay in shape — Those late-night craving runs? Consider them training for when the baby arrives. My god, will you need the stamina. I've added "sprint to the store for pickles" to my workout routine.
- DO practice sleep deprivation — Get used to functioning on very little sleep. I've been pulling all-nighters negotiating contracts as practice. Emma thinks I'm crazy, but I call it preparation.
- DO learn to multitask — I can now change a diaper while closing a million-dollar deal. Okay, so it was just a practice doll, but I'm counting it as a win.
- DO prepare your space — I may have gone a bit overboard here. Let's just say our nursery puts some of my clients' homes to shame. Emma had to talk me out of installing a mini red carpet — what? The psychology books say to surround babies with inspiration! I figured a few movie posters, a miniature Hollywood sign, and a tiny Wall Street stock ticker would set our kid up for success. Apparently, Emma doesn't agree that "future multi-hyphenate mogul" is an appropriate nursery theme for a newborn. We're still negotiating on the pint-sized talent agent desk.
The Don'ts:
- DON'T panic — Okay, I'm being a hypocrite here. I definitely panicked when Emma first told me she was pregnant. But hey, do as I say, not as I do, right? And let's not talk about the time Emma had false contractions. I may have broken several traffic laws getting her to the hospital, only to be told it was Braxton Hicks. The nurses still laugh when they see me coming.
- DON'T forget about your partner — Pamper her like she's the star of the biggest blockbuster of the year. Because guess what? She is. I've been treating Emma like she's up for an Oscar every day. I hired a masseuse on standby, installed a state-of-the-art home theatre for her rom-com marathons, and may have flown in her favourite New York pizza when she was craving a taste of home. What? It's not like I chartered a private jet or anything... okay, maybe I did.
- DON'T go overboard with baby-proofing — Learn from my mistakes. Replacing the glass banister with a solid wood one? Totally necessary. Hiring a team of engineers to design a custom, military-grade baby gate system for the entire house? Maybe a step too far. Emma's never going to let me live down the time she found me debating the merits of kevlar versus carbon fibre for the playpen. Apparently, "but it's bulletproof" isn't a selling point for baby gear.
- DON'T lose your sense of humour — Trust me, you'll need it. I've been practicing my dad jokes on my clients. The reviews are... mixed. But at least I got a laugh out of Emma when I suggested naming the baby "Action" so I could dramatically yell "Lights, Camera, Action!" in the delivery room. She vetoed it, but I saw that smile.
- DON'T forget to enjoy the journey — It's easy to get caught up in the stress and preparation. Take a moment to appreciate the miracle happening right in front of you. I've caught myself just watching Emma sleep, marvelling at how she's growing our child. And don't get me started on the first time I felt the baby kick. I may have teared up a little. Okay, a lot. But if anyone asks, I was just practicing my emotional scenes for when I inevitably play myself in the movie of our life.
Bonus Do: Embrace the unexpected
If you had told me a year ago that I'd be writing a guide to fatherhood, I would've laughed you out of my office.
But life has a funny way of surprising you. One minute you're knocking over champagne towers at a wedding, the next you're picking out onesies and debating the merits of different stroller brands.
Remember, gentlemen, becoming a dad is the role of a lifetime. It doesn't matter if you're a Hollywood hotshot or a regular Joe — we're all rookies in this game called parenthood.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go assemble a crib that's more complicated than my last contract negotiation. Wish me luck!
Stay cool, future dads!
Charlie Delacroix
(Hollywood's Most Prepared Soon-to-Be Dad)
P.S. If anyone's looking for tips on how to woo a stunning wedding planner and accidentally start a family, I'm your guy. Just don't tell Emma I said that.
Lights, Camera, Baby is a fish-out-of-water romance following a career-driven wedding planner, her charming one-night stand, and the surprise pregnancy that forces them to reconsider love, family, and their futures in the heart of Hollywood.
